New times, new hope

The last several months have been very difficult. I have found it hard to blog as the words just never came easily. It's not that AnnaSophia has been sick. She is doing really well. She is amazing! She is showing no signs of rejection, and God healed her from the CMV that reared it's ugly head a few months ago--without medication. God is so good!

I guess I was not really prepared for how our lives would be changed. We all know that a new baby changes our lives, but none of us were prepared for having a very sick baby with severe cardiac defects. We were not prepared for, and would have never chosen, the hard times our family went through.

When the children and I came home from Denver for good, I didn't know what to expect. Somehow, I knew that it was not going to work to pick up where we left off, like we had just come home from an extended vacation. Things were different. Our life was now different. Steve and I both had our times when we just had to deal with our emotions. We were operating in crisis mode for so long, that we pushed some of our emotions aside, because we just didn't have time to spend hashing things through in our minds. After we were all home, those times came without warning.

For me, I was dealing with a lot of sadness over the realization that in the past year, we lost our church and most of our friends associated with that church. God has blessed us with a new church family, Grace Community Church, who have been absolutely wonderful, but the scars that were left behind from our previous church had affected me more deeply than I cared to admit.

In addition to our church situation, I realized that one of my best friends had completely abandoned our friendship during my long stay in Denver. She never once visited AnnaSophia and I in the five months we were in Denver. I received very few calls of support or concern from her. In the back of my mind, I knew something was not right, but when AnnaSophia was fighting for her life daily, it did not seem important at the time.

Other friends clearly did not understand our situation, and we have been admonished for being "overprotective" about AnnaSophia's health. I do not want to have to apologize for rearranging a play date, because someone's child or children are coughing and have snotty noses. For people who have perfectly healthy children, a cold is nothing to worry about, but for a heart transplant baby, a cold could cause her to become very ill and reject. I patiently explain each time someone doesn't understand, and most people do, but others think we are just being difficult. These are the people who just don't "get it".

When the dust settled, and we got somewhat situated at home, we still had a lot of work to do in caring for some of the special needs of our children. I spent a lot of time working on and praying about Ethan's school for the next school year. I made the very difficult choice to put him in a public school with a wonderful autism program. Ethan clearly needed services that Steve and I just couldn't afford privately. But even this decision did not come without friends weighing in and telling us that we had "given up" on homeschooling. He has also needed to continually be under the care of his doctors in Denver. God has blessed us, and Ethan is doing really well. He is growing so much, and his teachers are so impressed with how smart he is. God has blessed us and put in motion all that Ethan has needed, including wonderful Christian teachers who pray for him daily.

While Ethan is going to public school, I have chosen to continue homeschooling Emily. My sweet daughter has been sandwiched between two siblings who require a tremendous amount of care, and sometimes get a lot of attention--not all of it good. This time that we have had together has been wonderful! We have grown so much closer, and she is growing spiritually by leaps and bounds. She has such a wonderful, kind and loving spirit.

Unfortunately, she was having trouble reading, so we made an appointment with the eye doctor. She definitely needed glasses, but we were also told that she is having a terrible time tracking. The bottom line: Emily needs vision therapy. Vision Therapy??? Are you kidding??? And does my insurance pay for that? Big fat NO is the answer to the last question. We have gotten two estimates from two different vision therapy places and both are over $1000 dollars. Our case manager for our insurance company said that she knows that I'm a mom who will sacrifice a lot to do what is best for my child. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Emily absolutely needs vision therapy, and I will always figure out a way to provide for my children, but for right now, vision therapy is on the back shelf. I am praying that the Lord will make a way, and I know that the Lord is always faithful.

My faith has been tested, but grown stronger. Our family grows closer together and closer to the Lord. AnnaSophia was playing tea party by herself one day. She laid out all of her tea cups and plates and spoons. She carefully put her play food on the plates, then clasped her hands together, and closed her eyes and said "Pray". It was only after she prayed that she poured her pretend tea. I was touched by her innocence and sweetness. It takes moments like this to put everything into perspective. Pray and come to the Lord with the uncomplicated faith of a child.

The Lord has pruned us. He has sifted us. The bad things for us have been removed, making for a healthier family. We are now able to grow and bear fruit with distractions removed. This year has been very difficult, but the Lord continues to bless us. My friendship with Torry, my dear sister in Christ, has grown so deep, and I am so thankful for her. As we continue to deal with the stuff that life doles out, we listen, share and encourage. Sometimes, I have felt like a ship without a rudder this year, because a lot of things that I felt were solid and good, the Lord took away. But the Lord has put better things in place. I trust my life, my family and my future with Him, and I look forward to a new school year and new hope for the life that He has planned for us.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
John 15:5

Mary